Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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