She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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