mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
