What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
