i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
