if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He passed out mid-signature
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
