I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
