I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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