we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You have to summon your inner elephant
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
