Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
