last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
