I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
