"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
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He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
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There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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