I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
