If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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