Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
