When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
