nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
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I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
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I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
try to milk me bitch
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