Cold hands, warm shart.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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