Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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