I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
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We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
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I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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