In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
