I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
