Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
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