just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize