I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
