When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
her facebook's as public as her vagina
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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