I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Randomize
