last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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