I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
