Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
