I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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