I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
