We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You're like the curious george of whores
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
