just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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