Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?