Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
