My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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