he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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