I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
