So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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