exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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