I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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