I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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