Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
