I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize