And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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