there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
you will always have a special place in my vag
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
