where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
