he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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