Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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