ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
