If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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