You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
